1. The TL;DR
The current version of this site is a static joke page. We do not run analytics, we do not use tracking cookies, we do not save your searches, and we do not have user accounts. Anything you type into the search bar lives only in your own browser tab and disappears when you close it.
That said, this Privacy Policy explains what little does happen, and what we'll do when this site evolves into something more substantial.
One important thing: please don't type anything into the search bar that you wouldn't want a stranger to read. Even though we don't store it, we can't promise that your own browser, your network, or any extension you have installed isn't doing something with what you type. The internet is a complicated place.
2. What we collect
Personal information: None. We don't ask for your name, email, location, age, or any other identifying details.
Search queries: Your symptom search runs entirely in your browser using JavaScript. We do not transmit, store, or log your queries on our servers (and we currently barely have servers).
Cookies and local storage: The Site does not set cookies and does not write to your browser's local storage.
3. Information collected automatically by our hosting
The Site is hosted on a third-party platform (currently Netlify). The hosting provider may automatically log standard request data such as your IP address, browser type, and the time of your visit, in line with their own privacy policy. We do not have direct access to or use of this data beyond what's needed to keep the Site online and protected against abuse.
You can review Netlify's privacy practices at netlify.com/privacy.
4. Third-party services
Google Fonts. The Site loads typefaces from Google Fonts. When your browser requests these fonts, Google may receive your IP address and basic request information. We don't control what Google does with that data — see their privacy policy for details.
Future third parties. When this site moves out of joke mode, we may add analytics, advertising, or affiliate services. If and when we do, this policy will be updated to reflect those additions, and we will provide clear notice and meaningful choices about what is collected.
5. How we'd use information (if we collected any)
Currently: not applicable, because we don't. When the real version launches, any information collected would be used only to:
- Operate, maintain, and improve the Site
- Show relevant content (such as nearby healthcare providers, if you opt in to share location)
- Communicate with you about features you've signed up for
- Comply with legal obligations
We would never sell your personal information. Health-related queries deserve a baseline of respect, and that's a line we don't intend to cross.
6. Children's privacy
The Site is not directed to children under the age of 13, and we do not knowingly collect personal information from anyone under 13. If you believe a child has provided us with information, please contact us and we will delete it.
7. Your rights
Depending on where you live, you may have rights regarding personal information about you, including the right to access, correct, delete, or restrict its use. Since we do not currently collect personal information, these rights are mostly hypothetical at the moment — but if you have a question, you can always contact us using the email below.
Residents of California, the European Union, the United Kingdom, and other jurisdictions with applicable privacy laws have additional rights under those laws. We'll honor any valid request submitted in writing.
8. Security
We take reasonable measures to keep the Site running safely and securely, but no internet service is perfectly secure. As noted above, since we don't currently collect or store personal information, there isn't much for us to safeguard on your behalf — but as the Site grows, we'll adopt appropriate technical and organizational measures.
9. Changes to this policy
We may update this Privacy Policy from time to time. When we do, we'll update the "Effective" date at the top of this page. Material changes will be highlighted in a way you can't miss. Your continued use of the Site after a change indicates acceptance of the updated policy.
10. Contact
Privacy questions, concerns, or requests can be sent to hello@youreprobablynotdying.com.